Remote Voodoo

One of the REVolution fleet has suffered a terrible blow; the remote doesn't work. Though we currently have vehicles that are completely manual in this and all other respects, this particular vehicle actually needs this feature. We could tell you why but then we'd have to kill you.

Instead of rude misplaced threats to dear reader's life, we thought it might be better to just fix the remote fob. Surely it just needed another battery, so out came the toolbox. After mangling the plastic with the wrong screwdriver, plan B was put into effect and the butter knife worked like a charm. Turns out the edge of a dime will also work.

We're professionals, so stand back!

We just so happened to have a replacement battery, which is approximately the size of a nickel. After replacing and wrestling the cover back together while wondering how somebody who isn't blessed with the Herculean hand strength that we posses could possibly manage, we pointed the infernal device at said vehicle and listened for the magical sound of doors unlocking.

Nothing. Phooey.

Options; dead replacement battery, fatally expired remote (it is relatively old) or we, in our wisdom, somehow messed it up when we fussed with it. Forget it, come back to it later; gotta run an errand at the moment.

Out and about, we happen to find ourselves in one of seemingly 500 locations of a monster drugstore chain. Do we really need so many drugstores and banks, all of whom appear to be located right next door to each other? Well it appears so because right there was a brand new replacement battery. It was possible that the one we had expired in the drawer it had been buried in for the past couple of years. Out came the credit card, a couple of bucks later and a drive home, we're back out in the driveway with a completely unresponsive keyless entry fob. We've seen more lively tree stumps.

There's no way we're taking this thing to the dealer. They'll want to replace the remote and charge us actual money for the privilege. No thanks. Was it possible that the thing needed to be reprogrammed to the vehicle and was that even possible for the average home-bound knuckle-dragging gearhead mongoloid?

To the InterWebz, Batman!

Yep, absolutely; turns out you're in for a song and dance that's worthy of a voodoo ceremony. Prepare yourself, here's the process. We're not kidding.

1. Remove the key from the ignition, open the driver's door and leave it ajar. Save your, "The door is ajar!" jokes for later.
2. Put the key in the ignition and cycle it from off to on three times. Not four, not two; three. For three is the magic number and it shall be three.
3. You must complete the following steps within 24 seconds, otherwise Armageddon. Hit the switch inside the jam that senses whether the door is open or not three times. Again with the three thing; what's with that? Three is a great number but how about giving the other ones a chance once in a while?
4. Push any button on the remote and the car will lock and unlock the doors. Supposedly, there sould have been an accompanying beeping sound but I never heard it. Repeat this step for up to three(?!?) remotes or do it again on the same one.
5. Hit the jam switch twice and the process is complete.
6. If you mess any tiny little detail up, you must begin all over again. This time with less frustrated tossing up of the hands.

It must be Voodoo.